6 Tips For a Body Positive Halloween

Hello my angels!

It's the most wonderful time of the year!...
Well, almost, it's not Christmas quite yet, but Halloween is pretty bomb too.
However, if you let it get out of hand, it can also be pretty catastrophic.

Girls showing off their beautiful bodies
+
Snickers bars everywhere
can =
Insecurity, and lots of it.

But fear not! Gabby is here to remind of 10 foolproof tips to keep you safe, happy, and slut-shame free during this awesome holiday:

6. Eat!

Free food, people, free delicious, diabetes-ridden food everywhere! You can't pass that up! Have some candy, have some chocolate, have some chips; one day will not, I repeat, will not make you gain 15 pounds, blow up like a blowfish and explode.

5. Or Be Careful

I know many of my readers are still in ED recovery (hello, beautifuls!) and Halloween can be a very stressful time. It can be incredibly hard not to binge, and then purge/restrict. Like I said earlier, there's free food everywhere, which can be some people's dream (me) or worst nightmare (me 2 years ago).

So be smart about it. Bring a small bag to fill with your favorite treats. Once it's full, that is your cue to stop. You have enough control over the portion of sweets you'll be eating so that you don't feel you've gone too far, but you also get to enjoy this holiday without completely restricting your fun!

4. Safety In Numbers

Halloween is amazing and all, but it's also a perfect playground for assault. While sexual assault is never, ever, ever the victim's fault (uh hum Bill O'Reilly. Although to be frank, he's probably not reading this. Does he know about the internet yet?), you can always try to increase safety by never leaving you or your friend(s) alone.

Watch your girlfriend's punch, choose a designated driver, and don't trust guys in masks. That's not 100% about safety, they just creep me out.

3. Dress to Impress

"I can't pull that costume off"
"I'm too fat"
"I don't have the body for it"

...
These are legitimate things my peers have said to me. Needless to say, they received a justified smack aside the head.
There is no such thing as "pulling off" or "having the body for an outfit, let alone a costume!
If you can squeeze your butt into it, you have the body for it. Done.

Halloween is about having fun, being someone else for a night, so if you're not necessarily the most confident fudgie out there, Halloween night is the perfect night to transform yourself into someone who is!

Scared of being shamed? Stick around for the next tip.

2. A Slut Shaming Free Zone

Listen up, slut shamers!
If you don't want to wear a revealing costume for Halloween, that is a-okay, because it is your body, right?

Well that girl who's wearing a crop top and some spandex shorts? It's also her body.
If she respects you for dressing as you are dressed, the curtesy must be reciprocated.

It's not 1976 anymore. Calling her a whore or a slut does not make you look cool.
It makes you look jealous.

1. Don't Be Afraid To Look Ugly

It's tempting to go as a sexy cat, or a sexy nurse, or a sexy pillow.
And don't get me wrong, those costumes are valid, cute, and worlds of fun!
But there was a time when we didn't care about looking hot, we just wanted the sickest costume out there!

So why not do a bit of both?
How about a zombie nurse? Or an undead cat (any Poe fans)?

You don't have to prove to anyone tonight that you are hot. We already know that from the 364 other days of the year. Just have fun! Be creative! Be yourself (or not, I guess?).

And never be afraid to look ugly. Because there are not enough fake eyeballs dripping out of your mouth that can take away from the confident man/woman that you are.

Have an awesome time, my darlings!

xoxo

Gabby

The Ultimate Self-Love Body Image Trick

Hello angels:)

I wrote this article almost 2 years ago, when the blog was barely a foetus, and my writing was, at best, mediocre. This is not to say that I'm a bonafide writing virtuoso, but I wanted to rewrite this piece in a more eloquent and clear matter. 

This trick may seem trivial, and perhaps it is for you, but it is one I use every single day, without fail, and truthfully, I believe it to be one of the most important steps in my recovery. Take from it what you will, try it out, and let me know what you think:)

----

Once upon a time, I was afraid of mirrors. 
Okay, perhaps that's slightly misleading, because I wasn't afraid of the mirrors themselves. 
I was afraid of what they reflected. 

I would wake up in the morning and I would hate my reflection. 
I would go to school, catch a glimpse of myself in a car window or locker room mirror, and I would hate my reflection. 
I would go back home, do homework or extra-curricular activities, and avoid a mirror at all costs, because I knew very well what I would see. 
I knew that at the end of the day, as I got ready for bed, I would have to look at my reflection. 
And I would fucking hate it. 

Let me tell you something: hating yourself in downright exhausting, it truly is. 

It's hard enough being a teenager, going to school with morons and potheads, studying seemingly useless equations, dealing with crazy hormones inside your body and brain; trust me I know. 
So cut yourself some slack, make your life just a little bit easier, and try this trick out.

1. Go up to a mirror, preferably in the morning, or before heading out the door. 

2. Find 3 things you like about your reflection. I don't care what they are, how crazy specific or bizarre they may seem. You are not doing this for anyone but yourself. Look, I know that for some, this will be hard at first, but keep working at it, every day, several times a day if you must. 21 consecutive days of anything forms a habit, so stay strong. 

And if you can find attributes that might not be considered "typically beautiful" by most people, but that you find unique and special, bonus points for you. You go, Glen Coco. 

3. As you go through the day, and inevitably stumble upon your reflection, know where to look and stay focused on those 3 attributes. 

Why it works: Our eyes aren't actually the ones «seeing things»; they only capture the information and send it to our brain, and that tricky little bastard can do whatever it wants with those images. 

Start looking for the good, instead of singling out your 10394855 flaws (child, don't lie, we all do it sometimes), and your reflection will change right before your eyes. 
By choosing what your brain focuses on before that bitchy, whiny voice comes in and tells you what part of your body you hate that day, you blur out the flaws and let the good shine through.

You will find with time how much you have to be thankful for, how many wonderful parts of your being are worthy of love and admiration. 

I can only hope that with time and effort, when you pass by a mirror on a long hard day, you can finally smile. 

Have a wonderful day my loves,
xoxo

Gabby

Nothing Is Stronger: A Poem

Hello my dolls:)

This is a (sort of, I tried) translation of a piece I wrote for ANEB. To read the original in French, click here. 
Enjoy<3

I didn't stop eating for your pity;
Your empathy, your sympathy, I don't need 'em anyway.
I don't starve myself simply to be skinny,
to watch my bones shrink away;
No, my eating disorder is all about control.

Controlling my weight, controlling my body,
when everything else in my life is a mess.
When my brain cries out, begging for mercy,
Nothing numbs the pain like eating less.
Nothing in the world seems stronger,
than the pull of my eating disorder.

The booming voices that echo in my head;
Nothing is stronger.
The hollow concave of a stomach barely fed;
Nothing is stronger.
Lifeless eyes accompany my talk,
As my fragile bones barely let me walk.
But I don't care about death, I'm not afraid to wither;
Because nothing is stronger than my eating disorder. 

---------

But I was wrong, you see, for I decided one day
That I wouldn't let this monster steal my soul away.
I had had enough of the shame, the guilt, the self-loathing,
so I raised a white flag, faced the wind and started screaming,
Hoping that somewhere, someone was listening.

Every day is a war, a new enemy I meet.
Sometimes it's a victory, at times it's a defeat.
I fall, I get back up, but of this progress I am proud,
For I seldom understand the person I had once been.
My eating disorder is yesterday's sin;
There is nothing stronger than my will to win. 

It's Okay (Asking for Help)

Hello my beautiful dolls:)

Fact: I am currently taking medications to manage my anxiety.

Fact: I used to think medication, or therapy, or any form of exterior help was for the weak. I'd gone through recovery for an eating disorder the long, hard, painful, medication-less, old-fashioned way, and didn't think there was any other way to beat your problems than to fight everyday for years.

Fact: I was wrong.

You build walls around your heart to protect yourself from getting hurt.
Like being vulnerable or weak is something that should be hidden from the general public.
Like your neighbour isn't broken in some way too.

And sometimes it feels like throwing yourself off the mountain you are so desperately trying to climb is a better option than asking for a hand.
Trust me, I know.
I hate group projects, I hate relying on people, I hate asking for help.

But you know what I also hate?
Panic attacks.
Oh, I tried it all. Wishing upon a star, praying, breathing exercises, all in vain.
I couldn't imagine my life without anxiety.

So I caved. And as it turns out, caving takes a lot of strength.
When you cave, you don't give in to the fight.
You gain an army, you accumulate weapons, you get yourself ready for the big battle.
You face your fears head on, no coping mechanisms.
And who cares about looking all strong and mighty?
You'll get the last laugh when you win the war.

So whatever you are holding on to.
Every compulsion, coping mechanism;
Drop them.
Watch them as they hit the floor in a clatter.
Feel that weight on your shoulders?
Feel your scars throbbing, feel your eyes watering?
Not anymore you don't.

I love you, have a wonderful week:)
xoxo

Gabby

2 Years

Hello again my dolls!

As some of you may know, Saturday was my 18th birthday.
Thank you so much for the lovely bday wishes, and the awesome gifts (see fantastic pillow to the right, curtesy of Lu and her dad).

I wanted to write this quick little post because
a) I feel old, like properly old, I was 16 when I started the FP!!
b) We are approaching my 2 year hospitalization anniversary.

Yes, it's no secret I was committed in November of 2011 at Montreal Children's 7D for many a mental health issues, including eating disorders.

I believe it was the day after I came back from my sweet 16 birthday trip in New York City.
I spent my time writing, sleeping, thinking, and crying. An ocean's worth of tears was shed that week, I am not even exaggerating.
It was so bizarre, being shut off from the outside world, no phone, no internet (clearly Tumblr wouldn't tlast a day in a hospital) no friends, no school work. Just you and your feelings. You have nothing else to do but deal with them. 

It feels like yesterday, but it also feels like a lifetime. 

I thought I was going to walk out of there a free woman, just following that straight golden path to recovery.  A few weeks to adjust my new outlook on life to the old life I was returning to and Voila! 
Unfortunately, that was not exactly the case.

And I can talk openly about it now, because I have crossed that bridge, I am so far gone from that girl she feels like a stranger. But back then, when I was writing you guys about how awesome it was to be free from your demons and blablabla, I felt so alone (more on this here). 

Going through it all, it felt like a lifetime, but I am now looking back at all the time that has passed (I like to pretend I'm 80 when I see shit like that), blink and you would have missed it. 

So take care of yourself, take how many years your brain and body need to get through it all. 

And thank you for being a part of my recovery:)

xoxo

Gabby

Honesty or Overkill: Opening Up About an ED

I recently wrote an article for ANEB, which you can find here http://www.anebquebec.com/blogue/2013/08/12/honnetete-ou-exces/ and decided to translate it for all my non-francophones. Enjoy:)

Phew! The heavy burden of secrecy that I carried is gone. No more lies, the whole truth, so no worries...right?

Revealing to your loved ones that you are suffering or have suffered from an eating disorder sounds tempting. And in most circumstances, this confession may be useful or even essential to obtain professional help and treatment for this disease. But are there boundaries not to be trespassed when speaking of specific and explicit details of your struggle that could result in harmful consequences? 

I argue that yes, details of compensating behaviours, lies or tricks used to perpetuate eating disorder behaviors should be limited when addressing friends and family, or even an individual present in an ANEB chat session, who is not a health care professional. Here are my 3 reasons defending why these subjects should be omitted: 

Giving bad ideas

Most of what we know as been taught to us by someone or something else, and it's no different for our bad habits and coping mechanisms. Specific details about your methods of compensatory behaviors, for example, may seem harmless to you, but they are still bad seeds you are planting in the brain of the other. We can not foresee what the consequences of these ideas might be on one another, short or long term, so it is always best to prevent any adverse reactions. 

They are only consequences to a bigger problem 

Your habits and actions to control your weight are only the consequences of a psychological distress lead by an obsession with body image and fear of weight gain. If you want to find the cause of the disorder and treat it effectively,  analyze the emotions behind your behaviours, therefor leaving out details of physical actions would be best. 

They cannot help your family and friends help you 

What is the point of telling your family and friends that you have or have had an eating disorder if they can not help you properly? They can not always be with us to ensure that we are eating enough or whatnot, so giving graphic details of these unhealthy behaviours, over which people those who support us have very little power, proves itself to be futile. If the people around us can help us, it is mainly through their moral support, psychological and emotional.

It is certainly healthy to be honest and open with the ones we love, but we have to be conscious of the thin line between pertinent and overkill.

Have a lovely week!
xoxo

Gabby

Recovery: How Long Should It Take?

Good morning my beautiful sunshines.

For those of you going or gone back to school, I wish you all the luck in the world. I also offer you my condolences for the terrible loss of your REM sleep, especially if you're like me and all your million dollar ideas occur to you ONLY at 3 o'clock in the morning. May the excitement of geometry be enough to pull you out of bed (LOL #sorrynotsorry).

I haven't written a personal, ergo especially sassy post in a while. I have been focused on writing up more researched pieces for the FP and for my other writing jobs, but the truth is I miss being the writer who transforms everything into a weird metaphor and uses too many terms of endearments. She will be back:)

When I started the blog sometime in early 2012, I was 16 years old, a few months out of my hospitalization. I wrote about the tips and tricks that helped me (and still help to this very day)feel better about my body and the beautiful, complex world that I lived in. I wrote about why you shouldn't care about other people's judgements, about loving your flaws, about recognizing your amazingness. Granted, they were often terribly written, but I was in the 10th grade, sue me.

In my rational mind, I believed all these things, but they didn't seem so real to me when my emotions got in the way. I wanted these body positive ideals to be what I automatically thought when I ordered food at a restaurant or caught my reflexion in the mirror. Truth be told, I just wasn't there yet. I understood the words, but I didn't get it.

I felt like all the work I put into my recovery was a waste.
Like I was letting down my friends, my family, my doctors and nurses, and especially my fudgies.
Why was this taking so long? Why weren't these thoughts and habits reflexes by now?

When I started the blog, I thought I was at least 50% over all my problems, when in reality, I was probably at a measly 10%.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am now soon-to-be 18 years old, moving on with my life, and as I look back at the journey that seemed to have taken forever, I realize how much I've changed.

I now know what it means to love who you are, flaws included.
I am not done, I still have a few demons to fight off, but I have reached the light at the end of the tunnel.

So. For anyone who is going through the motions, who feels like all their work is amounting to nothing, I promise you are just laying down this incredibly strong base for yourself, because one day you will look down from the impossibly lovely skyscraper you didn't even realize you had built, and you will smile. (how's that for a weird metaphor? I'm so back)

Because it doesn't matter how long the millions of steps take, just as long as you keep walking. 

I hope your day is an amazing one, my darlings!

xoxo

Gabby

PS: also, if you haven't noticed by my repetitive tweets, I am downright obsessed with the song Waterloo Sunset, by The Kinks. They are an incredible band, and I actually cried when I first heard this song, I'm not even fu**ing around, it's that beautiful. It also may or may not have been really late at night, but still, Ray Davies is the God of all that is melodic.

Growing Up

Growing mentally as a teenager is the same as growing physically. The same comparison applies to grow spurts, or recovering from an addiction, a mental disorder, what have you.

People expect us to spontaneously be adjusted to this new found height. After all, the things around us haven't changed right?
But from our perspective, EVERYTHING has changed. Nothing looks like it did before. We just need time to figure out how to deal with this complete change of scenery.

And sometimes, sadly, things don't fit anymore. We aren't at eye level, and it's awkward and uncomfortable. We can't try to change the inevitable. We are always taught that throwing things away is a sad scene, and it can be so difficult to let go of the memories. But we can't live in a house that's too small for us. In clothes that just don't fit our lifestyle anymore. Don't deny your growth, or try to hide it. Embrace it.

I have had to put everything, and especially everyone, on trial for my recovery. I have had to sacrifice more than I could have ever imagined. But I know that my health comes before anything else, and the people who can't respect that just don't fit me anymore.

Don't crouch to hide your height. Stand up tall. It shows how strong you are to support this new height of yours.
And I must say it looks good on you.

I love you all, my fudgies,
Xoxo

Gabby