The Kid In My Math Class: Depression Story

Hello my angel food cakes<3

First of all, spring is here! well, for some of us anyways. There's still a bit of snow in Connecticut:(
But nevertheless, spring and summer are best friends with another s word: SUNSCREEN.
Here's an article I wrote for Drop of Pink about the importance of SPF: click here to read

Also, quick shoutout to one of my readers Cam! I don't really get to meet most of my fudgies, so interacting with you through our mutual friend Laverne (name has been changed to protect identity) has been oh-so lovely. Many kisses<3
Back to my poem!
-----------------


Today at assembly we sat in silence.
Sullen, serious, surreal, was this experience.
There had been a terrible outbreak of bullying
and the virus was to be quarantined,
by sharing stories of teasing and torture
so one by one rows were standing.

It began so innocently;
In the 3rd grade I was alone on the playground;
In 5th grade I was too short, too tall, too skinny, too round.
But then this sophomore stood up, knees trembling,
A cynical guy in my math class not worth noticing,
until his voice echoed through the crowd.

As a child he was a bit awkward, a bit chubby.
Weren't we all, I thought, what a pity party. 
He was teased, he said, he was bullied a lot.
Then his voice cracked as he told the story
that one day, he had had enough of this misery;
Ran to the bathroom, wrapped his neck in a belt,
and tried to swing from the knot.

As they dropped, jaws broke the floor's wooden panels,
as he disintegrated into sobs, microphone booming his agony.
How could I have dismissed his pain, rolled my eyes in disbelief?
He struggled to finish his story, but when he looked up, he wasn't alone,
for hundreds of broken souls who had been silent all along
were cheering and clapping, telling him to stay strong.

If there is a moral to this poorly crafted mess,
it is that you never know who sits next to your desk.
However they may look, whatever they may say,
always take the time to ask if they're okay.
And whatever you do, never dismiss someone's pain,
for you never know when you'll see them again.

--------

xoxo

Gabby

Food For Thought: My 3 Obsessions

Hello my gorgeous dolls!

As you have probably noticed, the FP website has undergone a bit of a make-over!
Many of you like it, so I'll probably keep it, but if you have any other suggestions, please let me know:)

These are things I have been reading, or seeing, and thinking about a lot in February. Hope you can enjoy them as well:)


1. Beauty Redefined!
You all need to check this website out! 
Beauty Redefined is a non-profit focusing on teaching girls to "recognize and reject harmful messages about their bodies and what “beauty” means and looks like". 
They have incredible media outlets, and their blog is an insanely fascinating read!

here's the url if you feel like being inspired: http://www.beautyredefined.net/

2.  Body Shaming: I CAN'T BE WHAT YOU WANT
This picture I found on this Tumblr page really embodies the overwhelming society contradiction that is body shaming.

If you're considered "fat", you are, as the picture presents, lazy, insecure, careless, out of shape, etc. 

But heaven forbid you become "too thin" for someone's standards.
Then you have an eating disorder, you're unhealthy, you have no insecurities, and you're a bitch.

Life is already a confusing, complex, mind-fucking journey we undertake. 
Don't let the overwhelming body shaming messages get to your head. 
There is no "right" body, you'll never make everyone happy.
So just do you, mmkay? ;)

3. Yale and Mental Health Discrimination
Get ready to rage, my loves.
I found this articles, linked here, that tells the story of Rachel, who struggles with mental health issues, and the disgusting way the Yale administration handled her medical case.

This infuriates me to a point that I can barely express in words.
There is so much stigma, so little understanding, so many ignorant slurs and words, and no empathy.

When will be the time we treat each other with the respect we deserve?
A mental illness is just like asthma, just like diabetes, just like a cold. 
It needs to be treated, and helped, but it doesn't define you. 
Doesn't make you weird, or crazy, or less worthy of love.

Yet people are afraid to tell their friends and loved ones about a problem they have.
It's because of policies such as the one discussed in the article that promulgates a society based on fear of the unknown, of the misunderstood.

Just know that I may not know what you're going through, but I know that it hurts.
Some of you like to email me about some personal things that you feel you cannot tell your family or friends, and if anybody is feeling this sentiment of solitude and isolation,
please reach out, I'm always here, I have, like, no life, okay?:) 

fudgeperfection@gmail.com

Hope your week will be lovely:)
xoxo

Gabby

Forethoughts of the jump

Hey guys!

Just had to share this piece with you guys. Found in on tumblr, it is terribly heartbreaking :(

As she straddled the line between the cold titanium rods and the sea’s quiet graveyard, she rocked back and forth, swaying in the wind, letting the salty air move her every broken fragment. Eyes closed, hands slightly grasping a rope, she smiled.

She thought of Sam. His snide tongue covered her top to bottom with tiny pins in the form of cruel words, while being cheered on by the whoops and hollers of his blood lusty herd. Would he even feel guilty about where she was tonight, dipping her toes in the ocean’s plunging neckline, or would her jump justify all his poisonous jokes and destructive lies?  She had stopped smiling.

She thought of Sandy. Sweet little sandy, all wispy bangs and crooked nose, heeling her every bruise and woes, could she sew a smile back on thisbroken doll so morose? Did she not see her gingham smock get splattered and stained by the blood running from her heart’s pouring veins? Or did she just turn away,wispy bangs aside and crooked nose upturned in disgrace? She had started crying.

She thought of poppa. Dear, old poppa, bless his trying soul, working and working in the old souvenir store. Sitting down on her bed to kiss her goodnight, could he see the nightmares brewing when he turned off the lights?When the school called to send her back home, did he sneer at the thought that she needed to be alone? She had started weeping.

She thought of Miss MacGyver. Her long spidery hands resting upon her shoulders reassuring her it wasn’t as brutal when kids grow taller. Yet 4^thgrade prophecies turn to bitter sweet lies, when playground shoves turn to name calling fights. Did she really see the pain in this little girl’s eyes, or did she just spew out the same crap she had been ordered to memorize? She had started ungrasping.

She thought of every look, every glare, every time she «accidently» fell down the stairs. She thought of the brave smile she beamed at her teachers, she thought of the day her friends no longer spoke to her. She thought of the lonely lunch table she occupied for 4 years, she thought of the illustrious parties her classmates yelled about, making sure she would hear. She thought of the night she walked up to this lonely bridge, and climbed the silver poles,and then she thought of her funeral, to which no one would go. She had started falling. 

please know I love you guys, if you are in crisis do not hesitate to contact me <3

xoxo

Gabby

In Crisis

Happy Monday, fudgies!

Today's topic is certainly not the most uplifting and light-hearted of subjects, but it is one I feel is necessary.

As I was working out this afternoon, my elliptical's TV screen caught my attention. The suicide of computer programmer extraordinaire Aaron Schwartz was being discussed on CNN, and it got me to thinking.
Sadly, I don't know most of you in real life, but I would feel responsible if anything ever happened to you, because when someone is in crisis, all they need is a little guidance, and I looooove to guide.

Obviously, I am not the Messiah or anything, but if you are ever in a situation where suicidal thoughts or intentions appear predominant, you may feel completely lost as to what steps you can take to assure your safety.
Here are some tools I hope you will never need to use, but just in case you are so unfortunate, do not hesitate even so much as a second to take advantage of these resources:

***IMPORTANT: BEFORE ANY OF THESE STEPS: Your health comes first, and that is all. Often, people will think «oh, I can't go to the hospital, I have a math exam» or «oh, but I have that permission slip to give in», and therefor you put on the backburner YOUR SAFETY. 
Think of it this way: if you were to be hit by a bus, God forbid, I don't think your boss, teacher or friends would be offended  by your trip to the hospital. Why? BECAUSE YOUR LIFE IS THE NUMBER 1 PRIORITY.

So please, take a step back to look at the grand scheme of things, and do whatever it takes to get help.

1. A suicide hotline. 
Type into google your CITY + SUICIDE HOTLINE and a local crisis operator will help you, and probably guide you towards these next resources.

2. A crisis center
You would be surprised to see how many crisis centers there are in your area.
Again, look up your CITY+CRISIS CENTER and, if you can, find the one closest to you.
They usually prefer if you call before heading out to visit, so they can be totally prepared for your arrival and take care of you upon arrival, plus they may even come pick you up if you are unable to get there by your own transportation, so find the phone number on their website or yellow page and dial up :)

3. Any local health clinic
In Quebec, we have CLSCs, which are free walk-in clinics. If you know of such facilities in your area, head out there, but AGAIN, CALL IN ADVANCE AND THEY WILL BE PREPARED TO TAKE CARE OF YOU AND YOUR NEEDS AT YOUR ARRIVAL.

4. Last resort, but do not hesitate to go: HOSPITAL
Most hospitals I know of take suicidal thoughts/intentions very seriously, and IF YOU CALL IN ADVANCE, they will expect your arrival and send you off to help right away, so you don't have to wait in line for hours.

I know most of you knew all of this already, but in a state of complete panic, we often forget everything we once thought we knew inately.
Be safe my loves, reach out as quickly as you can and keep fudging perfection.

<3
xoxoxoxo

Gabby

Depression and Suicide: A Tale of Condescension

Good Morning to all of you <3

I am fully aware of how ironic it is that I haven't posted in the last few days but SOMEHOW I am WORKING on LABOR DAY :P
Y'all are lucky I love my job <3

Today's post in going to be a very serious one- but the subject of suicide and depression is a very important one.

I'm going to take you back to Early 2012; my 10th Grade English class:
Our teacher is discussing Romeo and Juliet.
In the middle of her never-ending monologue, she trails off into one of her infamous tirades about, you probably guessed it, suicide.

How selfish an act it is.
How despicable those who commit such an act are.
What were they thinking to leave all those people behind hurt and alone?

This teacher, a woman, is a mother.
And just the thought of her daughter growing up in a home where such ignorant comments are thrown around carelessly makes me downright furious.

Better yet- this woman is a teacher for TEENAGERS.
She has punctured the ears of hundreds of young adults with such hateful spurs.

And she is not alone.
I have heard countless teachers, family members and media personalities voice those same opinions whenever the subject of depression and suicide is brought up.

I am going to bring you even further back in time: the 1980s.
When there was one illness on everybody's mind: AIDS.
People at your local market and people on national TV were saying the exact same thing:
«AIDS is for fags»
«AIDS is disgusting, repugnant, filthy, dirty»
«People with AIDS should be banned, shunned, shot» 

Now do you really think someone who has just discovered they have contracted AIDS is going to happily skip all the way to their doctors' office to tell them?
There should be NO QUESTION whose fault it is that AIDS spread like wildfire as an epidemic.
Us (well, probably not the ones reading this you were probably born in the 1990s like all the cool kids were :P)
More like Us, as a society.

Same thing applies to depression, and therefor suicide.
Depression was officialized as a mental illness in the 1980s, coincidentally.
Yet somehow, here we are, 30 + years later, still treating people suffering from such ILLNESSES (key word here: illness. As much an illness as a cold, as bronchitis, as malaria) with condescension and disdain.
You can STILL hear people say openly and legally:
«Depression is for lazy bums»
«Depression? Just snap out of it»
I'm sorry; have you ever tried to snap out of CANCER?
Yeah, I don't know how easy that is.

Just like AIDS, depression is still being treated like a lower-class illness.
Just like AIDS, YOU CAN VERY WELL NOT KNOW that a person is suffering from it right in front of your face.
Just like AIDS, if we keep making people feel shameful and guilty for an illness they did not choose to have, then
Just like AIDS, the bodies are going to keep piling up.

Prime example: me.
My family had a dismal and ignorant understanding of mental illnesses, always approaching the subject with condescension.
I went 5 years. 5 YEARS without treatment and ended up in a mental institution.
Not. Fun.

I am going to leave you with one last thing:
This past summer a friend of mine asked me what to do about a friend of hers who suffered from depression.
I asked her if they had discussed suicide, and this friend of mine told me that she had told her friend suffering from depression how selfish and irresponsible suicide is.
If I could give her, and all those spewing ignorance like so, one little advice, it would be this:
STOP
BEING
IGNORANT
AND
EDUCATE
YOURSELF.
Do you think the person who is feeling suicidal will want to ask help from people demonizing their emotions?
Your words can be the last drop in someone's glass.
If you want to keep giving your bigoted opinion, that is your creed.
Just don't forget to wash the blood off your hands after you're done.

If you need more info, suffering or just willing to understand more, click on these links
http://www.amiquebec.org/DepressionScreening.htm
http://www.depression-understood.org/
http://www.depressionhurts.ca/en/understandingdepression.aspx
or email me at fudgeperfection@gmail.com

I love you all so very much `<3
xoxoxoxoxoxo
Gabby